All that I have been blessed with throughout my life fills me with awe. I have been given so many reasons for joy, and I have so many reasons to thank my Father in Heaven. The most of which being my gratitude and awe at all that Christ did and does for me. He has saved me every day that I draw breath. He has redeemed my soul. He walks beside me, behind me, and in front of me. He carries me when I can no longer walk forward.
I feel like this today, but I haven’t always felt this way. On the journey preparing for my mission, getting my call, and leaving on my mission there have been days where I was sure that I couldn’t move forward.
I knew I would be going on a mission when I was 17 after receiving my patriarchal blessing. At the time I thought I would be waiting until I was 21. There were things and people in my life that I knew would be almost too hard to leave, but I was able to overcome that. I was prompted by the Holy Ghost that everything would be there for me when I got back from my mission. So, at 17 I began to prepare for my mission.
Not a day goes by that self-doubt doesn’t fill my mind. That being said, not a day goes by that my decision isn’t confirmed one way or another. If there is one thing that I’ve learned over the last three years, it’s that it doesn’t matter how many times we fall down, only that we get up one more time.
After the age change was announced I thought that all my prayers were answered, but Heavenly Father had another plan for me. A plan that was greater than anything I could have planned myself.
After a lot of prayer and consideration I knew I had to stay and finish my degree so none of my credits would expire. The idea of a mission never left my mind, although it was pushed from my frontal lobe. Through trial after trial, I began to wonder if a mission was really for me.
Through mistakes of my own I began to believe that I was worthless. I began to question why I was supposed to serve a mission, if I didn’t even like myself. I then received the news that I had to have major hip surgery and my papers would be put off even further. It seemed hopeless. I began to despair. I would be 21 by the time I got into the field.
I thought I was depressed before, but then I had the surgery. I have never felt so low in my life. I laid in bed everyday praying for relief. I prayed that it all could go away. I found myself, when the house was empty, yelling at my Father in Heaven; begging Him to take away the pain and to allow me to walk. For eight weeks this went on, and when I didn’t see my prayers answered the way I thought they should be, the despair only grew.
I believe I hit rock bottom this year. It’s not the first time, and it most certainly won’t be the last. But I’ve come to realize that this rock bottom is the perfect place to build my rock solid foundation for a better Mallory. And each time I come crumbling down to the bedrock, I recognize now that my Father in Heaven is saying, “build yourself up in me and you shall not fail.”
Heavenly Father allows us to pass through sorrow that we might know the light. I now realize he carried me through my struggles. The single pair of footprints left behind me were not my own, but my savior’s.
Here is a journal entry from June 18th 2013:
“Lately I’ve been feeling very frustrated because I cant’ turn in my papers yet because of my surgery. My heart breaks every time I hear of someone else receiving their call. I have been praying for strength and understanding and today I found a scripture that lifted me out of my sadness. “God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation.” (2 Nephi 22:2) I need to trust completely in God’s plan. There is no reason for me to fear because He is on my side.”
Do not doubt and do not fear. If you are struggling with deciding to go on a mission, or waiting to go on one you will be taken care of. If you cannot see God’s hand in your life, TURN AROUND. Never give up. Never give in. Life is tough, but you are tougher. I promise that this too shall pass. Hold tight to the rock that is your Redeemer, and he shall guide you safely to the shore.
When you strive to do righteous things Satan shudders in his boots. He knows your strength and potential, and he will do anything he can to stop you from doing what you know is right. FIGHT BACK. He has the power to bruise your heal, but you have the power to crush his head.